Happiness and Heartache.

Today I came across a reminder of a great day, a reminder that inspired me to start writing.

I was outside mowing the lawn on a beautifully hot August day in 2007, the type of day one dreams of while enduring another Michigan winter in February.  My wife surprised me a bit as I caught her from the corner of my eye, she wasn’t there just a minute ago.  She brought some snacks and a large glass of ice water, a perfect break- food, refreshments and my beautiful wife.  She handed me a small gift bag, somehow this was about to get better.  Inside was a small Baby’s First Lovie, a small teddy bear with the words “I love my daddy” stitched into it’s belly.  I instantly knew what this meant, but accompanying this teddy bear, probably just in case I was a typical guy, was a positive pregnancy test.  Words can’t express my feelings, but I’ll try my best.

I broke down and cried with joy.  It surprised my wife, in a good way I think, I’m sure it confirmed I wanted to start a family almost as bad as her.  Almost, only because she is a woman who has dreamed of having children so much longer than me, and being a woman, she will carry and bear our children- something scary and exciting and sickening and emotional- something you have to want more than anyone else if you’re willing to endure it all so easily.  It was the happiest time of my life, nothing can come close, a vivid memory that will withstand the test of time.  Weeks I am so happy have overshadowed a time soon to come, a time that has yet to end but not as memorable as those awesome weeks.

My wife later had a miscarriage.  Talk about a shock to the system, and I had it easy in comparison.  My wife had to deal with the physical anguish as well as the emotional.  Now I should put this all into perspective.  In August of 2007 we had been trying to start a family for 6 months already, about 4-5 more months than most of our friends and family have to try.  I could be cynical at this point, considering they seemingly just have to make eye contact to get pregnant, but I don’t want to be cynical (OK maybe just a little), it’s not their fault they have no issues.  Our very close friends and family are very empathetic to our situation, it’s those acquaintances on the fringes that can wear down your emotions and make you want to punch them in face.  I don’t want to hear that you weren’t even trying and you were taking precautions, or that you never wanted children, or that you didn’t sleep last night because you were sick, or your feet hurt, or your back is killing you.  Shut your mouth- we’d relish those issues.  I digress, let me get back on track here…

It is February 2009 now, exactly 2 years since we happily decided it was time to start a family.  In short we’ve had one positive pregnancy and one miscarriage.  As time goes on my wife has become more and more like a lab rat with all the tests.  I did my tests and although I’m happy I’m not part of the problem, I wish there were some way I could bear more of the weight of this burden for my wife, I wish I could relieve some of the pain she goes through.  We’ve gone the drug route in varying doses without improved results, and now we’re seeing a fertility “specialist”.  With this has come more tests for my wife, and although the news we’re receiving isn’t all that good I’m happy to finally be on board with a Doctor that seems to understand what we’re going through and share our sense of urgency and pain.  It’s also good to know what is really going on here, not just throwing drugs at the problem hoping to get a diagnosis through trial and error.  And what is really going on is my wife has a unicornuate uterus.  I’m not going to go into details, I’ll let those of you that care to know more google it.  Suffice it to say this has a lot to do with the problems we’ve been facing over the past 2 years.  Wow, 2 years already.  It’s hard to accurately express how hard it is for two good people to so desperatley want to start a family only to fail time and time again.  I think only people in similar situations can truly understand.

It’s not all doom and gloom though, I’ve always remained hopeful and that hasn’t changed.  The doctor seems optimistic that we can (and will) get pregnant and have babies.  We may not be able to make it happen as naturually as we’d like, that’s all.  Ultimately IVF (In Vitro Fertilization) is a real possibility.  Of course expenses are a concern, and compounding that is the fact that because of the unicornuate uterus diognosis, we can only implant one at a time.  Most people that do IVF have multiples implanted in hopes that one takes, which also increases the chances of twins or more.  With a unicornuate uterus having twins or more is far to risky and not an option, meaning we’ll have to try one at a time and deal with the costs if it takes multiple tries.

It never seems to get easier, and the obsticles keep coming, but I’ve made it clear to my wife she has my full support no matter what it takes to see this through.  I’ve also made it clear I will never harbor any regrets no matter the outcomes, I will always love her and nothing can change that.  You might think I’m a pompous ass for saying that, as if I think I deserve some praise for being a good husband, something I already should be.  Like people that think they deserve a cookie for being good parents.  Duh, you’re suppose to be good parents, no prize for that.  But my wife has expressed fear of what I think of the whole situation, and I was only making it clear she has nothing to fear.  She need not worry about me, I’ll always be by her side and she knows it isn’t just lip service.

When I came across that teddy bear today- the emotions flowed again, the writing came easy, and I’m not ashamed to say I’ve broke down a few times.  This post has been a long time coming.